TAMPA BAY, FLA -

Strippers in the Tampa Bay area will have to remain six feet away from their audience members, effectively ending the "lap dance" niche industry, which is where a stripper sits on a customer's lap and wiggles a lot.  A "lap dance" typically lasts 10-15 minutes, and customarily costs the "dancee" about $20 USD.  Strippers across the county are expected to experience a sharp drop in revenues, which will have a devastating ripple effect on the community.

A couple of years ago, the "6 feet rule" was put in place by well meaning, misguided county lawmakers during the "Rhonda Storms Reign of Terror" that effectively ended when the prudish Mrs. Storms was sent out of town to become a state legislator. Rhonda has since been gobbled up by the Talahassee political machine, and is occasionally heard speaking out against the Dewey Decimal System. 

The U.S. Supreme Court, in a surprise move that was no doubt motivated by the fact that "this is the stupidest thing we've ever heard" has declined to listen to arguments presented by "Tootsies", "Showgirls", and "Showgirl's Men's Club" in opposition to the law.

Tampa residents are sharply divided on the issue, and riots are expected.

Someone who goes by the name of DeepFriedRide summed it up like this:
"What a bunch of hypocrites you are. Each and every one of us would be IN a strip club if we thought 1) others would not find out, 2) could hide your car in the parking lot, 3) thought your wife would not find out.Nothing wrong with strip clubs and the 6 foot rule was a misprint - supposed to be the 6 inch rule" 

Meanwhile, another local resident named "TaterSalad" countered:
"Thank goodness your out of my neighborhood. Show girls closed!!!!"

Perhaps the only voice of reason among residents is "ToeCutter" who says:
"Why can't the government mind their own business. Let the hot dancers touch anyone they want and make the fat ugly ones put their clothes back on and stay in the house."

People, Tampa Bay is going to be hot tonight! Expect lots of screaming and rioting, along with the customary looting and flying rubber bullets...