SPRING HILL, FLA -
Once again, Florida shows the world how dangerous things get down here. The beaches are inhabited by poisonous snakes, the lakes are full of brain-eating amoebas, our back porches are home to poisonous spiders, and snakes that are not poisonous but are big enough to eat a human are multiplying exponentially. Step in the Gulf of Mexico and you will be fatally attacked by flying stingrays, go for a swm in the Gulf and your just begging for a shark to come and eat you. And you don't even have to be outside to get attacked by an alligator. And of course there are homeless pedophiles in every wooded area, and alot of the people with homes are pretty scary weird too. And then there are weird unidentified bugs that may just be giant flying swine flue viruses that sting and bite and burrow into your skin. Also, I've noticed that the dolphins are starting to get aggressive. No physical attacks as of yet, but boy you want to talk about menacing looks - they are smarter than humans, and they are planning something.
So just when you thought you had all the bases covered - alligators are locked outside, house is chemically treated to kill anything with an exoskeleton, and you have checked under the sofa for leprosy infested armadillos, you sit back in your LazyBoy and relax. And then you hear this odd sqeaking noise... and suddenly the earth opens up under your home and swallows it.
It's called a sinkhole, and they can and do pop up anywhere. What happens is, well you know- a giant hole just appears out of the blue. Sinkholes swallow automobiles, drain lakes, and can really screw up traffic. But their favorite target is homes that are worth barely a third of what the owner owes on it. Such houses are everywhere. Up until about two years ago, these homes were multiplying faster than the boa constrictors.
So anyway, I think that's enough background info. The sinkholes are thought to be caused by the Devil. You know, they come from underground, so basically we just refer to them as "wages of sin". In the picture, Kevin Carroll of Spring Hill Fire Rescue is explaining just that to Jim and Joan Bates. (Jim is the guy with the plaid/striped shirt, and Joan is the one sitting down with that "I exercise so much I wear a headband" thing going on. Mr. Carroll is explaining to the Bates' that they have sinned, and the Devil is after them. The Bates' neighbors look pretty interested, so it's a safe bet that they also have sinned. And Mr. Carroll is also warning the Bates' not to cross the yellow tape.
The yellow tape surrounding Satan's sinkhole is the only protective measure known to be effective against Satan. It's kind of like garlic to a vampire, which come to think about it, we don't have down here. Yet, or that I know of. And we don't have many giant man-eating wolves, either. So it's not all that dangerous, I guess. Could be worse, and you want to talk about nice weather- man we got that. We have some outragous nice weather. At least until June 15th, when God starts continously striking us with lightning for four months. That's when it gets a little scary. Weatherwise anyway.
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