So at about 7:15 AM this morning, there's this thunderous loud knocking at my front door. Now I'm sound asleep, because last night I was up real late doing research for the site. This stuff doesn't write itself, you know. So like I was saying, I was sleeping so sound that I was having a dream that I was sleeping, and someone's pounding on the front door so hard that the house was shaking and pictures were falling off the wall. I'm just barely opening my eyes and I hear this big booming voice yelling. The voice yells "Come on Dalton! We know you are in there!" and then "now get your *** out of the bed and let us in!!"
Now the person at the door was anunciating each word, each command was kind of slow and very clear and also kind of rhythmic sounding. I sort of recognized the voice but I couldn't put my finger on it, know what I'm saying? Then as I'm regaining consciousness I think "that sounds like Samuel L. Jackson!" So I sit up in bed and realize that it really is Samuel L. Jackson. You know how it is when you think somethings a joke and then you realize that it's really happening? It's what alcoholice refer to as "a moment of clarity". You dig what I'm saying? Do you feel what I'm conveying?
So I'm thinking "this has just got to be a dream, Kareem" and I slap myself in the face. Then I think "look fool! If you can dream that you're at the supermarket buying a gallon of milk and suddenly you look down and you don't have pants on, you can surely dream that you are slapping yourself in the face!" So I figured "whatever" and went to the door.
I get to the door and look out the little peephole, and there stands Samuel L. Jackson! And standing next to him is Barack Obama. So I'm thinking "what the heck, Sheck" and I can't figure out if what's going down is cool or not cool. But hey, it's the president of the United States standing on the front porch so what am I gonna do? So I open the door and the sun's shining real bright about four inches above the horizon, and there stands these two calm intense imposing guys wearing matching dark suits, all well pressed and confident, perfectly shined shoes and all that, and I'm thinking I must be crazy!
So I'm just standing there kind of shocked and Samuel L. Jackson says "well, are you going to invite the President of the United States into your humble little abode?" And he's all like "I'm a badass" and stuff and he says "or are you going to just stand there like a possum in the headlights?" And I was like "uhm, yeah, come on in- don't mind the mess" and Samuel L. Jackson says "Oh we don't mind the mess do we, President Obama?" And just barges on in and the presidents coming in behind him.
So I just jump out of the way and I look across the yard and see Joe my next door neighbor who happens to be a plumber walking all hurried like saying "Hey Barack Obama! Is it true that if I work real hard and make a bunch of money that you're gonna..." and then plain as day a big yellow dart is sticking in his neck and he falls to the ground. And as he's falling he's still yelling but his speech is all slurred like he just drank a fifth of vodka "take it all away and give it to poor people..." and then he's laying on the ground with his eyes closed and he's slipping into a deep sleep and he says all dreamy-like "who don't even have jobs or nothin..." and he's out cold and Secret Service agents are carrying him back to his house.
So I walk into my house and Barack Obama is standing in the kitchen rolling a cigarette. Samuel L. Jackson is looking at me all hard and stuff, giving me that evil eye stare like he's gonna make me pee my pants by just looking at me and he says "The President of the United States has something very important to say to you". And he glances at Barack Obama who is lighting his little hand rolled cigarette - "Don't you, Mr. President". And Barack Obama is just kind of looking around and says "Yes. That's right".
So I'm thinking to myself "don't say what. don't say what" and then I'm thinking thank God there isn't some 1993 genX slacker laying on the couch waiting to get shot. Then Samuel L. Jackson just sat down and layed his gun on the table. That really eased the tension. And then Barack Obama started tallking about "Hillary Clinton says this" and "Mrs. Clinton says that" and "diplomatic relations" and "we are going to change our way of this" and "we must not lose sight of the big picture" and I felt real peaceful like everything's gonna be just fine.
So I sat there basking in the calm sense of well being that filled the room as Barack Obama spoke. I can't tell you exactly what he said because I don't remember. But when he was done I just knew that everything would be ok if we all pitched in. After Barack finished talking, Samuel L. Jackson asked me if I understood what I was supposed to do. I said "help people? I think he told me to help people". But that wasn't exactly what he said. Samuel didn't get all mad and shoot me because even he was all chilled from listening to the president.
Mr. Jackson just calmly said "The President just told you to get rid of that Russian Bride bull**** because you are f***ing up our international relations with Russia and s***". And then he said "And if you don't get rid of the stupid sleazy trash, I'm gonna get a couple of pipe-hitting brothers to come over here and get medievel on your ass". I just laughed because the other black guy said that in the movie. The bald headed one with the band aid on his neck. But Samuel swears that he used the line, and that it was his line, and he can say whatever the f*** he wants.
So that's what happened to the Russian Brides. The President said he'd of done it himself but didn't know how. His exact words were "I'm a total retard when it comes to stuff like that". As the two guys walked out the door I heard Samuel L saying "Bitch I'm not gonna tell you again. You gotta keep cool with the retard shit, got it my brother?"
This is the stupidest thing I ever wrote. Amen.
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