People I almost forgot. I've been running around like a one-armed paper hanger lately, and it totally slipped my mine that today is when we start this "guns at work" thing. There I was, all morning, totally unprotected. So I ran home at lunch and got a Glock 9mm out of the handgun drawer, but no holster. I'll just tuck it in my pants on the backside and loosely cover it with my shirt.
Ok so it's 5 hours later and let me tell you, work was pretty exciting today. The stupid bitch office manager who thinks she owns the place bought in this little .22 rifle. I think it was her kid's. So I went over to her desk to give her my RFTO (request for time off) that I had to fill out because I was 10 minutes late this morning. While she was closely analyzing the stupid RFTO document I reached over and knocked her site all out of whack.
Next was Brozick, I don't even know the dumbass' first name. He's like the boss' pet, you know? He had this old .38 revolver sitting on his desk. He kept on talking about how his dad had given it to him, yada etc. yada. He's such a douche-wad. The thing is, he just sits around and drinks coffee so he goes pee like every 20 minutes. So he goes to the bathroom and leaves the revolver behind. I went over and took out all his bullets and filled the whole chamber and the six holes where bullets go with that rubber glue stuff. Then I took a pencil and jammed the end into the end of the barrel and snapped it off. Then I went back to my office and surfed the net for about forty five minutes. Then I got up and did a little recon walk-around and everbody looked pretty zombified, cause by then it was about 3:30 PM.
I went back into my office and read everybody's email. Nobody was doing much, if there was any conspiring going on they were probably using IM or something. So at 3:47 PM I got up and made my move. I checked my Glock one last time and walked out on the main floor. "I'm leaving" I said. "And I'm not filling out any paperwork either. I'm just walking to my car and driving off."
Brozick looked at me real hard, and then looked over at Suzy office bitch with a big grin. Suzy leaped out of her chair and grabbed her little popgun. I was about five yards away from her so I wasn't sure if the site vandalism would work. Suzy says, like with a real bitchy authority voice, "Before you leave you give me a RFTO" she was holding the gun at her waist. "And it better have the right date".
So then I noticed that the safety was still on so I figured Suzy didn't know what she was doing. I said "Suzy, are even you wearing a freaking bra today?" and I was walking towards her as I said it. I grabbed the barrel of her little popgun and yanked it from her hands. She just stood there stunned looking so I leaned it against the wall at just the right angle and stomped it right where the barrel meets the stock. Bent the thing all to hell.
So I look over at Brozick and he just then noticed that his daddy's revolver was all gunked up. He looked at me with a real blood-thirsty angry face. He pointed the thing at me even though it was all screwed up and he knew it. I just started laughing cause it was like he was pointing a stapler at me, just as well could have been, you know?
So then I just pulled out my Glock an fired a shot right into Brozick's CD holder tower thing, cause he listens to stupid music. Then I wasted his keyboardwith two shots. That dumbass Brozick says "You just ruined my computer! I had a whole days work on it and now it's gone!!" Like he thought that the keyboard was where all his work was. And he only thought that because one day I explained to him that the monitor was not the computer. So I figured I'd have some real fun and I took my machete out of my boot and walked over to his desk and WHACK! I cut the cord that attaches the keyboard to the CPU.
Meanwhile Suzy was frantically trying to dial the phone, but I had disabled the PBX as soon as I got back from lunch. So Brozick is crying like a baby "Please don't shoot, please don't shoot" and Suzy is elling all kinds of nasty threats at me. So I said "Be cool, bitch!" and I put three rounds in the coffee maker. Then I shot up the water cooler and I walked out the door.
Just for fun, as I was leaving I said "Have a nice weekend!" even though it's only Tuesday.
Treat yourself to a box of fine cigars!
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