The tumultuous, catastrophic, super-charged, red-hot knockdown-dragout mexican jumping bean insane Democratic Primary Race to end all Democratic Primary Races is OVER. Yeah baby, it is just so over. And all over the nation bloggers are whipping out that piece that they have been crafting since the beginning of time and posting. It's just one super-wild scene.
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
Well, what happened is that the accused but never convicted or charged serial killer Hillary Clinton thought she was supposed to be president, as soon as all the George Bush nonsense was over. But then along came a Muslim from Kenya named Barack Saddam Hussein Obama, and through sheer name recognition managed to get people to listen to him. And it turned out that Sadam Obama was a pretty good talker, and he was able to get people to vote for him. Even though he crushed up an American flag pin and snorted it on national television.
So then Hillary Clinton, who is known for speeches that often include vivid descriptions of assasinations and murders, went on national television and started crying. And nobody likes that so they made her the next president again. But then Baraboma Hussein just kept on going and started winning again. And pretty soon he had enough caucuses, or populates, or straw draws, or X-Man Delegates, or whatever they count to figure out who won to beat Hillary Clinton, who reportedly collects human heads and keeps them in her freezer.
So the Muslim Terrorist President to Be got together with Hillary Clinton and worked out a deal. Hillary told Obama that she would drop out, which is certainly expected behavior for someone who loses an election, if Barack would give her 30 million dollars. So Barack said "sure thing old lady", and then Diane Fienstein came down stairs and let them both out of her house.
And today it was announced that Bob Dylan has risen from the grave to endorse Barack Obama. And Mr. Dylan is going to sing one of those song thingies that he does and return to whenced he cometh from.
Now despite the valuable endorsement by re-incarnated Bob Dylan, Barack Obama is not president officially until he beats some old man from Arizona. The old man's name is "McCain".
McCain is a republican, which means that he is a crotchety old tightwad who always turns his head and looks at a cloud or something when a homeless person is in the area. He is also rich, because he knows all the tax tricks so he doesn't pay taxes. And he likes to fight wars, because his philosophy is that kicking people's asses makes you successful.
Barack Obama is a democrat, which means that he is not rich because he always gives money to homeless people. And democrats are well known for giving stuff to the Salvation Army and then forgetting to deduct the monetary value on their Schedule A on their tax returns. And they don't like war so much, because wars cost alot of money and they gave all their extra money to the homeless people. And also they don't know about the "always be kicking someone's ass" success formula.
The whole thing is best understood by watching "It's a Wonderful Life". "McCain" is like old man Potter, except that McCain is not yet confined to a wheelchair. Sadam Obama is like Jimmy Stewart, except that he is a black Muslim terrorist sympathyzer, and they didn't have black Muslim terrorist sympathyzers back in the '40s.
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