Now this is my kind of news -
In Pinellas County a 69 year old woman walked into her kitchen and there's a nine foot alligator checking out her place. The poor gator (alligators get the death penalty for breaking and entering) went through a screen door and started looking for food. The old woman calls 911, and in typical 911 operator fashion, the operator tries to make the poor old woman second guess her reptile identification skills (actual quote: "are you sure it's not just a big lizard, like an iguana or something?")
Once the old woman convinced the nearly brain-dead 911 operator that it was indeed a big alligator, professional alligator trappers (yes, that's a real profession around here) came and took care of business. No one was hurt, although sources say that the alligator suffered minor injuries. But that's ok, the prehistoric reptile is probably dead, gutted, and skinned by now. So on to Escaped Monkeys Taking Control of Polk County:
Today word got out that about 25 or 30 Patas monkeys escaped from their island prison in Polk County. The monkeys are said to be "very sociable". Due to the fact that they are sociable critters, experts say that they will have a tough time blending in with the general Polk County human population. Polk County humans are very nasty and quite unsociable. The Florida State Legislature is said to be hoping that the monkeys will succeed in conquering the Polk County government, as this would lead to "a better Florida for all".
The monkeys have already been credited with saving a toddler's life as the child's meth crazed mother tried to pierce the child's toungue with a rusty 12 penny nail. The monkeys are said to be very fast and so have been able to so far avoid being hit by runaway taser darts, which is a serious problem for innocent bystanders in Polk County.
Experts say that "the odds are stacked in the monkeys' favor" as far as gaining control of Polk County.
"We look forward to a long, fruitful relationship with the monkey clan" said State Board Of Education head Kathy Ogbogy. "the monkeys have only been in the community for about three days, and we are already seeing vast improvements in FCAT scores, and teenager's dietary habits."
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